Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide

I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.

Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.

This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.

To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.

Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:

Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"

Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.

The donor is uncredited.


My biggest problem with Christmas parties is not knowing what to wear (okay, it's really not a problem at all, because I never get invited to any parties).

But, if you're wondering what to buy your manly man for this holiday season, one of the catalogs had this awesome suggestion.

Let's face it, NOTHING says "seething cauldron of testosterone boiling under the surface" like pink and green giraffes. So get that special stud something that screams "I'M A HOT SEX MACHINE!"

(click to enlarge and induce emesis)


You've overdone it at the luau. You had WAY too much pineapple, roast pork, poi, rum, and cheap beer.

And the pork was sitting out far too long when you went back for thirds, and now you've got salmonella. With serious gastrointestinal disturbances of the type not portrayed on dinner plates.

So what should you use while spending a few hours in the bathroom? Not just any old toilet paper, but Luau TP!

Yes, for only $2.99/roll you can have festive luau-themed toilet paper to remind you why you're in this situation in the first place.


It's been another great Christmakuh party. The fireplace is going, you and your loved ones are relaxing after a great meal, there's a game on TV.

What better way to spend time with friends than to throw feces at each other?

Of course, real feces are messy and unsanitary. So those of you who enjoy this popular sport now have another option.

(click to enlarge)

Yes, with Doody-Head you can now throw artificial stool at each other, without having to worry about messy clean up, unpleasant smells, or health code violations. Order yours today!


Toilets. We all use them at least a few times a day.

So why not make it more and start drinking out of one?

Yes, now you too can have the same drinking privileges your dog does!

If you enjoy coffee, experiment with adding different amounts of cream, and guess what GI disturbance they could be.


So maybe official Dr. Grumpy merchandise isn't your thing. You prefer fine jewelry.

But diamonds, pearls, and emeralds are so passé and 20th century. Buying jewelry in this era can be such a challenge.

What is it that the modern lady wants as an adornment? Why a necklace with carefully preserved anatomical sections from a bull's penis and testicles of course!

If bull gonads aren't your thing, you can also get pieces of horses and ducks, too.

Of course, some woman prefer bracelets or earrings when displaying dead animals in plastic. Fortunately, you can look here for other tasteful options. Just click on the subcategories.


In the good old days, after vanquishing an opponent, you would celebrate by drinking from their skull. Sure, they leaked a little, and were tricky to grip, but they could hold a lot of wine or espresso, and made a decent insulated container if the coffee were too hot.

But for a modern barbarian, things are different. I mean, that block party tends to empty early if you put skulls next to the punch bowl. And if you hold up a skull at Starbucks and ask the barrista to pour your latte in there, you get some funny looks. Once she collapsed, though luckily a guy dressed as Elvis ran in and saved her.

So what's a 21st century barbarian doing a pencil-pushing desk job to do? Well, fortunately there are options. I can get pen holders made from vertebrae and femurs. These handsome accessories make any desk special.

Particularly when your new boss realizes what happened to the last person who didn't give you a raise.

Click to enlarge


Do you have neck problems? Do you need more support under your head? Are you looking for a way to strangle yourself, but don't know how to tie a noose?

Well, look no further!

Here we have a gadget that you simply strap around your neck and gradually pump up until it reaches the level of asphyxiation and/or comfort desired.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. DO NOT recommend that you have another person inflate this for you. Especially if they are your ex-spouse, or someone who will benefit from your life insurance policy.


I know there are golf fanatics out there, who live to play.

But sometimes you can't get out to the course. Maybe the weather is bad. Or you're just too busy at work. Or you can't get a decent tee time.

And that's where this next gift comes in.

(click to enlarge)

Yes, it's a miniature golf course for your bathroom. It includes a putter, 2 balls (besides your own, guys) and a "Do Not Disturb" sign. I suppose you should also spring for some Clorox wipes to clean the putter between rounds.


After you've handled the putter in the previous gift, you should definitely wash your hands. So you may want bacterial-themed soaps from this site.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. recommend good hygiene!


Need a tie or scarf for that special person? Neither do I. But if you do, wouldn't you want something like gonorrhea or ebola virus on it? Of course you would!

(click to enlarge)

Yes, now fashionable neckware for both sexes comes in an assortment of unpleasant pathogens, including plague, dust mites, and mad cow disease! Also available in not just 1, but 2 types of breast cancer!

Operators are standing by!


Finding a good book can be tricky, even in this era of giant bookstores, online bookstores, and e-Book readers.

Until now.

Thanks to a remarkable website, it is now possible to get such intriguing volumes as:

A Popular History of British Seaweeds

The Armpit of Desire

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

How to make your own sex toys

Menopop- A menopause pop-up and activity book

"Wow! Where can I find such amazing titles" You ask? Click here.

Operators are standing by!


"Hey, where should I put this quarter?"

We all like saving money, but it's important to have a bank.

And what could be more tasteful than one that allows you to stick it in a rectum, then farts when you do?

Makes a great gift for your proctologist!


So many catalogs feature idyllic holiday scenes. Usually there's a Christmas tree in the middle, with presents piled under it. A few toys. Children playing in the background. Some mistletoe and holly. A fireplace. All trying to get you to order junk for people you don't like.

So why should a science supply company be any different? Shouldn't they have a holiday catalog, too?

(click to enlarge)

Because if finding a skull or anatomically-correct partially-dissected torso under a tree doesn't say "Merry Christmas!", I don't know what does.*

* Depending on the location of the tree. If it's one in your front yard, that isn't good.




Maybe you're a bank robber with sensitive skin. Or Al-Queda has been recruiting you, but your delicate complexion can't handle the Afghanistan sun. Or you're a radiologist who shies away from that big yellow ball in the sky outside your nice, dark reading room.

Fortunately, Coolibar has a line of sun protection with people like you in mind.


Do you miss your college apartment, with the leaky toilet that spontaneously flushed every hour (sometimes more)? Neither do I.

But if you do, now you can buy a clock that will recreate the experience!

Yes, for only $24.98 you can recreate that "cheap apartment with the alcoholic repairman who can never fix the damn thing" feel. Clock does not include rodents, sexually loud neighbors, or intoxicated roommate listening to Metallica at 3:00 a.m.


I have plenty of patients with migraines. I do my best to treat them. I have an arsenal of medications to work with.

But, if you prefer more touchy-feely ways of treating them, there's now this:

Yes, they are what you see: Goggles you strap to your face, with moving magnets on stems that rub you around your eyes. Batteries are even included!

Last week I polled 10 random migraine patients who came to the office, and all of them thought this gadget looked closer to being a torture chamber than a migraine treatment. One said "It looks like an iron maiden for the face!"


Today I'm going to kick off the list with this tasteful item:

Yes, it's a shower soap dispenser (comes with green gel soap! Wow!) that dispenses soap out of it's nostrils. I suppose next year they'll have one that makes a sneezing noise when you squeeze it.

I'd order one for that special coworker who continuously complains about allergies and leaves wadded-up Kleenex all over the office.


Dogs give you unconditional love, but is that really good enough for you? Wouldn't it be important to know just how many breeds are represented in your mutt? Or is your "purebred" really that? And maybe you'd love your poodle less if you discovered he had a trace of beagle in his lineage?

Wonder no more!

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Hitting the snooze button too many times? Or are you a 4-wheel drive aficionado that thinks every household appliance should be an all-terrain-vehicle? Or both?

Now, you can truly have it all! An alarm clock that not only wakes you up, but leaps off your night table, forcing you to chase it!

(click to enlarge)

I know this would work at my house, but only once. The alarm might not wake me up, but Blackdog frantically barking at it rolling across the floor would, and then I'd have to get up to clean the puddle where terrified Snowball pissed on the carpet when he thought it was coming to get him. And I wouldn't need to hit the snooze button because in the next minute psycho Cooper would tear it to pieces. And $39.95 seems like a lot of money to me for a 1-time-use appliance.


The item has been around for several years, and always shows up in December. A gift for that truly desperate person in your life.

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I've seen various models of it. Another catalog (which Frank colored in, so I couldn't use the picture) had one that actually (I swear!) was powered by AA batteries and said: "It vibrates soothingly, just like a real man!"

I suppose this is true, provided your idea of a "real man" is headless, legless, one-armed, half-torsoed, and "vibrates soothingly".

But if your idea of a "real man" involves vibration and batteries, maybe you should be looking in a different sort of catalog.


Santa Claus.

The embodiment of holiday cheer. One of December's most endearing legends. A great way (at least to try) to keep your kids in line year round ("you're gonna get coal if you don't stop that!").

So what could be more appropriate, joyful, or holiday-esque than this?

(click to enlarge)


What's more exciting than Formula 1, Indy Car, and Nascar racing?

Why elderly-patient-in-a-wheelchair-on-Aricept racing, of course! Rev that wheelchair, squeal those tires, and rocket down the hall to the day room for some serious pottery lessons!

(click to enlarge)


Last one for the year, for you last minute shoppers.

I'll generally ignore a few small holes in my undies, but when they become too far gone I just go to Costco and buy a bunch.

Apparently, though, this idea is too simple for others...


In the past I've focused on gifts for humans, but since dogs are a big part of our families, I thought I'd kick off this year with something for them. And what better gift for a furry friend than his own sex doll?

(click to enlarge, if you're into that sort of thing)

Yes, the HotDoll doggy love toy is available in 2 sizes (looks like small and medium from the site, I don't see anything for a Great Dane), and is "made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes."

It also notes that "the pink hole needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons," a job which will likely spark more family fights than "whose turn is it to pick up the dog poop?"

I can just see this being marketed with The Rolling Stones belting out a modified version of one of their classics:

"Hey! You! Get off of my leg!
Don't hang around, or sit up and beg!"

The site doesn't say if there are other models that require batteries, but quite frankly I don't want to know.

We all love ice cream cones, but they're a HUGE hassle. I mean, you have to turn and lick them on all sides, otherwise they drip down and get messy. And this is SUCH A BIG PROBLEM that it hardly seems worth the effort to have a cone.

But not any more!

This remarkable product continues the worldwide trend of eating more calories while expending as few as possible, so someday you too can look like the people in WALL-E. You may now experience the ultimate in human laziness, and never worry about getting ice cream on your sneakers again.


Okay, this one is just awesome. It sells for $199 and is called a "Natural Stump Side Table."


The web site creatively notes that it comes "fully assembled" and (for those who feel guilty) is from "naturally fallen cypress trees."

To me, that's like saying your steak came from a cow that died of natural causes.

Featured gift #1

Ladies, are you tired of routine breastwear (is that a word)? Are you hopelessly addicted to playing Angry Birds?

Well now you can liven up your chest, and show your love of video games, with the Angry Boobs bra!

Yes, this once-in-a-lifetime bra is available from Etsy in sizes from 34A to 38DD. It does not inflate with wine, though consumption of beer by males may make it appear to do so.

Featured gift #2

In this era of trying to use clean, renewable, energy sources, it's nice to see a product that takes this to the point of idiocy:

Yes, folks, it's the solar-powered windmill!

This amazing product has unlimited potential: By harnessing the power of the sun, you can make a windmill turn! Then, by using the electricity generated by the windmill turning, you can power a lightbulb! And you can use the lightbulb to power the solar cell! Voilá! You've discovered a feedback loop with an endless energy supply


 What do we need more of?

I think all of us often wake up saying "Gee, I wish there was some way I could make my crotch more hot and sweaty than it already is."

Fortunately there's an easy answer: Vibrating Sauna Pants!

Now, even in a place as cold and snowy as Grumpyville you can keep your private areas sweaty and moving, and make believe this is a substitute for exercise.

These sexy pants come with a thermostat, so you can heat your junk to the desired temperature, and an adjustable vibration setting (so you can differentiate them from your cell phone ringing).

In the immortal words of Roosevelt E. Roosevelt "It's hot enough here to cook things in my shorts! A little crotchpot cooking." And now that can be you.


Do you wish you could take your dog everywhere? Have you ever heard the expression "putting on the dog" and wanted to do it? Well, now you can!

Yes, with Woofspun products you can order quality knitted items made from genuine dog fur, or even collect your own from a favorite pet (or 2, or 3) and they'll turn it into yarn for you!

Given that 2 of the Grumpy dogs are less than 20 pounds, I doubt they give off enough in a lifetime to make a decent pair of gloves. Although if Mello doesn't stop pulling food off the counter and eating it (including a tub of artichoke & olive hummus, FFS!) she's going to be a rug pretty soon.


We've all had one of those embarrassing moments when we desperately need a spare pair of underwear. How often does thinking about this problem keep you awake at night?

Well, worry no more! Now there's the emergency Box-o-Undies!

Yes, this convenient package holds 5 pairs of clean, single-use underpants. Allowing you to go back to your favorite Mexican restaurant with confidence.


Men like breasts and women like wine. So what could be a better compromise than this?

According to it's web site the Wine Rack will increase an A cup to a DD, and holds 750ml of your favorite Cabernet (or whatever you prefer), with a discreet sipping tube. And you can inflate it with air after depleting the wine, to keep things looking "as advertised."

What's really enjoyable when you're sound asleep? Is "having a big hairy paw suddenly grab my face" at the top of your list? I didn't think so.

But a Japanese company is hoping that's high on somebody's list. They've developed a teddy bear sleep apnea robot.

It puts a cuddly-looking oxygen sensor on your finger, and if it hears you snoring, or detects your oxygen level dropping, it reaches up with a mechanical paw and wacks your face to make you turn your head.

Here's an informative video:

Personally, I have to say that if I was asleep and this thing grabbed my face, I'd likely shit the bed. So unless the robot is going to clean that up, too, I don't want one.


While not available as a gift, I have to admit this design concept "defibrillator toaster" by Shay Carmon would be totally awesome to have.



We all have that co-worker/classmate/boss/whatever who's under the impression that their own solid waste doesn't stink. Now there's the perfect gift for that person.

Yes, a few drops of this stuff in the toilet bowl allegedly nullifies any odiforous vapors, and allows them to continue in their belief that their ass smells like roses and cotton candy.

It should be noted that the product only works if you actually shit in the toilet bowl, NOT on top of the tank as the picture suggests.


What's the perfect gift for your newly divorced lady friend? Besides a gift certificate to a lawyer and a shitload of chocolate, she'll need some kitchen furnishings for her new place.

So why not get her the Ex-Husband Kitchen Knife Set?

This lovely piece is the perfect combination of culinary equipment, homicidal fantasy, and voodoo doll. And it's available in 7 colors!

Disclaimer: I'm NOT getting paid to show this (or any other gifts). The link is so you can see the other lovely colors (including blood red!) yourself.


It's the middle of the night, and you're using the bathroom. But after sitting down you discover there's either a power outage or the bulb burned out. How often does this happen to you? That many? Have you considered calling an electrician?

Anyway, if this is something a friend of yours deals with regularly, than I have the perfect gift for them: glow-in-the-dark toilet paper!

This miracle is also useful for camping or as an emergency flashlight.

It doesn't say if it will rub off and give you a luminescent anus.


Now this one I kind of like. Because a leading problem of the modern workplace is the dreaded lunchroom thief. This drove Mrs. Grumpy nuts, as no matter how brightly she wrote her name on an item, it would still disappear before she had a chance to touch it.

But now, you can get this awesome lunchbox:

This great lunchbox is just perfect for any workplace, or the ax murderer on your list. Mary and I use hers to hide body parts after I've finally snapped at a patient on their 5th consecutive visit who hasn't yet started the medication I prescribed, but is still complaining that they aren't any better.


 This gadget is advertised for training dogs.

Looking at it I can't help but think that if someone tied a rope around my, uh, boy parts down there, I'd be pretty "calm and orderly," too.


Do you enjoy mini-golf? Do you love bathroom humor? Have you ever wanted to show the office golf asshat where he can put his ball? Then this is ideal for you!

Yes, with this remarkably tasteless gadget, you can pretend to whack a golf ball into someone's ass and listen to them fart. You can repeat this action until the joke is old (1-2 times) and then give it to that co-worker you hate in the office gift exchange.


Is your favorite cook tired of drab colors? Do they want to spice things up? Well, you should give them Esslack: edible spray paint for food!

Think of the possibilities: gold chicken, blue steak, or fire-red asparagus! Make your holiday dinner look like something out of Willy Wonka (the 1971 version).

Foodies in the 'hood can give up using plain, inedible Krylon and do some serious food tagging to let everyone know that particular Big Mac is YOURS.

Your kids already believe you're trying to poison them. So why not have fun with it?


Have a friend who likes tasteless historical knick-knacks? Consider this:

Now they can own a bobblehead doll of the man who murdered America's 16th, and probably greatest, President. Ideal for those who enjoy, um, I guess, this sort of thing.

As best I can determine bobbleheads of Lee Harvey Oswald, Charles Guiteau, and Leon Czolgosz are not currently available.


Have a friend who REALLY loves Christmas music?

Yes, now even in private moments you can enjoy the gentle melodies of holiday tunes, and imagine you're being bombarded with them in Wall-to-Wall-Mart. The more TP you use, the more it plays. So even if you're having explosive diarrhea you'll never run out of musical entertainment (as long as you don't run out of paper or batteries).

At present it is not available in Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus forms, or with music that can be played year round (such as the Mama's & Papa's "Go Where You Wanna Go").


Picnics are SUCH a hassle. You have to sit on the ground, and balance a plate, and eat- ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Let's face it, unless you're remarkably dexterous, you'll starve. Or make a mess. Or both.

But now, there's Picnic Pants!

Now you can attend picnics unafraid of spillage or being unable to find a table! You walk around with what looks like a large gray scrotum, or crotch-cape, or whatever, secure in the knowledge that merely by sitting cross-legged you'll have a convenient place to set your lunch.


Do you miss grandma? Aunt Sadie? Fluffy? Are you tired of staring at their ashes over the fireplace? Wouldn't you like to take them with you to work/McDonalds/New Brunswick?

Well, this is the perfect gift for you!

Yes, now you can take cremated loved ones anywhere! Fill the locket with the ashes of one (or more) relatives/pets/really good weed - and off you go! They'll always be close to your heart.

Makes a great conversation piece during intimate moments ("Hey, don't let Grandma see you down there") and at airport security.


I'm going to start things off this year with a gift that solves a common argument in modern households:

Him: "We need a new alarm clock."

Her: "I need a new vibrator."

Well, now you can have BOTH! The Little Rooster is an alarm clock AND a vibrator!

Yes, ladies, with this remarkable product you just set the time you want to wake up, put it in your panties, and go to bed (I suppose guys can use it, too, but the sensation isn't the same).

It has 2 motors with 30 different power levels (of which 27 are "silent"- though I don't know if  that applies to the gadget, its user, or both) and features a "snorgasm" switch (I SWEAR!) for when you want to go back to sleep.

If you wake up at night wondering what time it is, no need to look at the nightstand: Now you can simply check your crotch!

The site notes it can also be used as a regular alarm clock "for when you simply have to wake up feeling grumpy." I'll let Mrs. Grumpy know.

It's available for $99 in both pink and white, has a "travel lock,"  and comes with a USB charging cable.

The website says "There is nothing else on Earth like Little Rooster." I'd have to agree with them.


Chocolates have long been a way of telling that special person how you truly feel. Sometimes, of course, we encounter someone who's special in an entirely different way. When this happens we wonder "What can I give this person to convey my true feelings to them?"

The answer, of course, is this: A chocolate asshole!

Yes, the folks at Edible Anus purvey the finest in anally-shaped candies, using only pure Belgian chocolate. These delectable assholes are available in milk, dark, and white chocolate, and are handmade in England.

For that truly special person you can also order sterling silver assholes. They also have glass ones. I am not making this up.

The tagline on their site is "The anus that made Britain great." I'll defer any commentary on that to my readers across the pond.


How many times a day do you find yourself wondering "Gee, how many eggs do I have at home?" 5? 10? 78?

If you're like me, you really don't care. But, if this a subject of serious importance to you,  it creates a real dilemma. I mean, if you're at the store, you can always hedge your bets and buy more eggs, but what if you get home and find you already have some? Then you have more eggs than you need, taking up space you could be chilling Diet Coke in.

By the same token, you can NOT buy them, then get home and find you're out. And now your plans to serve cheese omelets at the formal dinner party are in disarray.

Sure, you can always call home and ask someone, but if your kids are like mine they won't look. They'll set the phone down, play Metroid for 2 minutes, then pick it up and give me a made-up number.


The Egg Minder is the latest in modern chicken ovum tracking devices. It's a computerized egg tray that keeps count of how many eggs are left and which one is the oldest. AND you can access this valuable data from your smartphone anytime! It will even send you a push notification when you're running low. So you never have to have an "OMG HOW MANY EGGS ARE LEFT AT HOME?!!!" panic attack ever again.

It also holds 14 eggs. Since they're generally sold in multiples of 12, those with OCD will need to buy 7 dozen eggs and 6 Egg Minders to get a perfect fit. And then you just know you'll drop one while transferring them.

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