Subject: Holiday News Release
THE NORTH POLE (Reuters) Continuing the economic trend towards monopolies, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and 8 days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces the world will be able to enjoy consistent quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the agreement, the letters on the dreidl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating into "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering of their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.
A spokesman for Christmakuh, Inc., declined to say whether takeovers of Kwanza, Solstice, or Festivus might not be in the works as well. He pointed out that were it not for their independent existences, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might be seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, the other holidays will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."